So I do get heartbroken every time you mention your ex. But I would never ever admit that to you. How could you even say that and expect me to admit it? Especially after you tell me that I remind you of her. Especially after you tell me that TODAY you two are going to finally talk about what happened. ON VALENTINES DAY. ESPECIALLY after you admit that you do want her back and lord already knows she wants you back too. She probably has this grand scheme planned out for today that’ll shift the forgiveness you had lost in your heart to an overflowing abundance that makes you forget that she ever cheated in the first place. After all, who am I to judge your love? How unfair these situations are, I’ll never understand. I’ll just never get how I can care about someone so much, still be selfish at heart about it, but tell him that no matter what he does, I’ll still be happy for him. I give more than I get here. I’m cursed to that. Happy Valentines Day… I hope she makes you happy again. You truly deserve that.
And it was a success! I think. 21 years old… Finally. And all this time I was in the belief that the world would end before I’d get to experience it (kidding but not kidding). There are too many things that have happened to try and document them all now. I’ll just leave those to memory. But I will say, I am congratulating myself on having blacked out for my first time. And during my “no longer a surprise” birthday party too. I have some of the best friends in the whole world. No one will understand the way our friendship works, and sometimes I fail to understand it myself but for some strange reason, it works.
Anyway… I’ve already tried piecing together everything that’s happened that night but it’s pointless. Everyone else was drunk too. So the mystery is fine with me. All I know is that the boy I like is an incredibly good friend for staying to make sure I was okay regardless of my girls’ need to be overprotective. I’m keeping this one close. You need people like that in your life. Genuinely good-hearted people.
Alright. I’m going to finish my Intercultural Communications homework now. I have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow morning!
So you fuck around with me and have your long distance love feed you emotionally. You’re pathetic and I’m stupid for letting you get this close.
My friends tell me I trust too easily. I always give people the benefit of the doubt… And my biggest fault? My eagerness to forgive. I can’t stand it sometimes. I get so hurt. Feel so victimized. But it’s things like this that I choose not to share with anyone. At least not out loud. It’s this type of sadness that stands most prominently in my life. I am rarely sad. So this is why my blog seems so depressing. It’s because my motivation to write is built upon sadness.
I know this started off on an entirely different note but I am sick and tired of the shit I put myself through. I’m supposed to be going places. I shouldn’t be concerning myself with someone who only holds me back.
You know when you decide to play that lets-see-how-many-hours-I-can-last-without-sleep game with your body? Right before you feel like your heart rate starts beating at an alarmingly abnormal pace? Where you feel like its beating too fast but in reality, it could be the complete opposite?? I feel like that right now. And I can tell that it’s stressing out my system. Thinking about my body being under stress is stressing me out even more. I tried taking a nap but when I went out for a drive, I just felt like my car was gliding. I guess I’m just delusional. But holy shit I feel weird…
First time for everything, I suppose. But I was not expecting this. Rule of thumb: if everyone in the group is drinking, don’t drink at all. You might have to end up saving the day. I have so many stories to tell my future kids.
But in all honesty, this experience, all negative aspects aside, has really struck a chord in me. I need to get serious about life and how I manage myself. It’s a good thing I really hate the taste of alcohol. I lucked the fuck out. Oh! And when a cop confronts you, be as honest and charming as possible.
I can’t say much else but I survived this four day weekend in L.A. Definitely a game-changer. And it’ll be a nice way to end my winterbreak.
Time to prep myself for my 21st on the 7th.
You’ve won my heart. This short visit has been attempted with the most drunken intention yet I’ve seen past my naivety. My pursuit of independence coupled with my need to swiftly transfer schools has been fulfilled by this spontaneous vacation. Come March, I’ll have applied for transfer to CSULA. Regardless of my parents support I will do this. I’m going to get A’s in at least 4 out of 5 of my classes this semester. This is your contract. Now. Enjoy the rest of your vacation and get some sleep. Disneyland awaits you in the morning <3 sweet dreams, dream weaver.
That’s what I am. It’s one of those things that I can’t change right away. I feel as though changing myself would be be the equivalent of me becoming a bitch. I’m only one when I genuinely dislike a person. Which takes a lot of effort. I want to like everyone. So here… I have friends who have undeniable power over me. I wouldn’t even call it influence anymore. It’s straight up power. And unless I avoid them entirely, or somehow learn to start standing my ground, I’m just belittling my potential happiness.
I love my life.
Happy birthday, Jesus!
We survived the “end of the world”. Time to live it up.